


Asking Too Much. crush(ed)

by OwlFae



Series: Connor writes poetry. [4]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Asking Too Much - Andrea Gibson, Connor Lives AU!, Connor wrote a love poem, For Jared, He writes poetry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I owe credit where It's due children, M/M, Out of love, crush(ed) not by me. I forgot to save the link, oof.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 19:36:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12800889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwlFae/pseuds/OwlFae
Summary: Connor is gayConfirmed by Jared





	Asking Too Much. crush(ed)

Connor smiled. He was going on a date with Jared. All the while he was remembering Evan. Connor sighed sadly muttering aloud, 

“when I turn to you  
expecting your smile, I see  
the back of your head.

it's too familiar  
of a sight. I don't know why  
I even bother.”

Connor groaned inwardly. It was 7:30. He had to pick up Jared. He wrote a poem for today. It had been 11 months since Evan died and 3 months since he and Jared began dating. Yeah, they took trips to the orchard and A La Mode. But they hadn’t been on a formal date per se. Their schedules never lined up. Or they didn’t want to go outside. But tonight they had agreed that they would go out. Connor Jonathan Michelangelo Murphy had a date with Jared Kyle Aapeli Kleinman and nothing was stopping that. Not even the thought of Evan Jackson Hansen. 

Soon Connor pulled up in the black Ford F150 Jared so lovingly called, “The Body Dumper.” They were going to Panera for their date. Connor decided that's a good idea. Why wouldn't they go to Panera for their dinner date? Connor was very, very anxious about this. What if he messed it up? It was only their first date after all.  
Jared stepped into the black Ford F-150 after Connor had arrived and knocked  
on the door. Chivalry wasn't dead of course. Connor decided that reading the poem on the way to Panera was a good idea, so he began. 

“I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with  
Tell me why you loved them,  
then tell me why they loved you  
Tell me about a day in your life you didn’t think you’d live through  
Tell me what the word ‘home’ means to you  
And tell me in a way that I’ll know your mother's name  
just by the way you describe your bedroom when you were 8  
See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate  
And if that day still trembles beneath your bones  
Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain  
or bounce in the bellies of snow?  
And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree  
to build your snowman arms?  
Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree?  
And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you  
because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek?  
Do you kiss your friends on the cheek?  
Do you sleep beside them when they’re sad,  
even if it makes your lover mad?  
Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion  
or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?  
See, I wanna know what you think of your first name  
And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mother's joy when she spoke it for the very first time  
I want you to tell me all the ways you’ve been unkind.” Jared had this feeling in his heart, almost like a fluttering? He wasn’t sure.  
“Tell me all the ways you’ve been cruel.  
Tell me—knowing I often picture Gandhi at ten years old beating up little boys at school.  
If you were walking by a chemical plant, where smokestacks  
were filling the sky with dark, black clouds, would you holler, ‘Poison! Poison! Poison!’ really loud or would whisper,  
‘That cloud looks like a fish, and that cloud looks like a fairy’?  
Do you believe that Mary was really a virgin?  
Do you believe that Moses really parted the sea?  
And if you don’t believe in miracles,  
tell me, how would you explain the miracle of my life to me?  
See, I wanna know if you believe in any god,  
or if you believe in many gods.  
Or better yet, what gods believe in you.  
And for all the times you’ve knelt before the temple of yourself, have the prayers you’ve asked come true?  
And if they didn’t did you feel denied?  
And if you felt denied, denied by who?  
I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you’re feeling good  
I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day a day you’re feeling bad  
I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass  
If you ever reach enlightenment, will you remember how to laugh?” Connor smiled shyly at how sappy this was. Jared secretly loved it, but what Connor doesn’t know, doesn’t kill him. Right?  
“Have you ever been a song?  
Would you think less of me if I told you I have lived my entire life a little off key  
and I’m not nearly as smart as my poetry  
I just plagiarized the thoughts of the people around me who have learned the wisdom of silence  
Do you believe that concrete perpetuates violence?  
And if you do I want you to tell me of a meadow where my skateboard will soar.  
See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living  
I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving.  
And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes.” Connor gave a soft chuckle with those words, he wondered if he wrote this for Jared or Evan.  
“I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people’s wounds  
And if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon  
that if you wanted to you could pop—but you never would because you’d never want it to stop  
If a tree fell in the forest, and you were the only one there to hear it,  
if its fall to the ground didn’t make a sound, would you panic in fear that you didn’t exist  
or would you bask in the bliss of your nothingness?  
And lastly, let me ask you this:  
if you and I went for a walk, and the entire walk we didn’t talk,  
do you think eventually we’d kiss?  
No way.  
That’s asking too much  
—after all, this is only our first date.”  
Jared’s face flushed as Connor oh so gently mentioned a kiss. They were sitting in the parking lot. Jared gave a little laugh and kissed Connor on the cheek. “Babe that was incredibly gay.” Jared said as he hopped out of the truck with a cheeky grin. Connor knew he most definitely wrote that for Jared. Evan was a memory in the past.

**Author's Note:**

> hey  
> come bug me at feared-faeries on Tumblr kids.


End file.
